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Sunday, 08 November 2009

So I have decided I want a new blog.
And so I do. I've noticed more of my friends are on blogspot, and that it seems the more mature people are on blogspot and not xanga, so therefore, I've changed where I'm posting.

New blog link http://www.amandacanzo.blogspot.com

Wednesday, 21 October 2009

I have a problem of not updating....

So I got sick. But I'm better now so it's all good.
So for my English class I had to go and observe a community, and the community I picked was CAP because it was the one community I knew I had access to. At the beginning of the project Holly joked about me going would want to make me come back to CAP. As my membership isn't officially up until the end of October it is still possible for me to pay the $34 and still be a cadet. I told her no, that I was completely done with that part of my life and nothing would bring me back to CAP.
Or so I thought.
Maybe.
I'm debating it. I have a week left of October and if I don't decide then it's all over. I'm 18 and if I rejoin I would be a senior member, something I don't want to be right now.
But if I joined I'd basically be starting over. I mean I would still be an Airmen (since I never got any higher...) but I don't even know if I remember all the drill...all the everything. Not to mention PT testing...I wasn't fit enough to do it when I was in CAP let alone now.
And what is probably the biggest reason of me possibly not re-joining is....Matt.
I know, I know. I shouldn't let him rule what I do in life. Especially when he's not in my life. But if I were to re-join there is always some off-chance I will see him again. And I can't do that. I'm already weak enough when it comes to him and that's with him 3 hours away. I don't know what would happen if I were to see him again and with him still in CAP (as far as I'm aware) I could see him and that would just make things even harder.

Speaking of Matt. We talked. Again. But it only lasted 3 days spread out over a week. It was stupid, but then again every single time we come back to each other it's stupid. I asked him why he thought he kept coming back to me and he said "You do something to me that no one else does" I'm not really sure what that thing is but apparently it's enough to cheat but not enough to date. Whatever, moving on from that point. Things almost progressed to what they always do. They didn't and only because Alanna got out of the shower sooner then expected. But apparently the whole thing was a test that both him and I failed. How exactly you fail your own test I'm not sure. I'm also not sure why he felt the need to do that. Of course I would fail...it's him. I'm weak when it comes to him.
The only good thing coming from him and I talking is that I'm extremely pissed at what he did. So it's a lot easier to not contact him because I'm mad that he felt the need to test me.
I get it. I'm not going to be with him. Obviously since Melissa has not broken up with him despite him cheating on her so many times it's not going to happen. I can't change that. Do I want to? Of course. I don't like her. I don't think they should be together but that's just my personal opinion.

I don't know what else to write.
I'll try and update again sooner. Maybe.

Wednesday, 07 October 2009

I keep thinking that somehow it's automatically going to get better. That one day I'm just going to wake up and it's not going to hurt anymore. That I'm not going to constantly missing him and wishing that he was mine and not hers. But it's not. I know it doesn't work that way. That I actually have to work towards not thinking about him and not missing him. But it's hard work, and I'm a weak person when it comes to him. I always have been since the very beginning. It's an everyday effort that I'm not really sure I strive to make every single day because sometimes its a hell of a lot easier to just sit there in my dorm and be all depressed about the fact that I don't have him. And if I keep thinking that automatically its not going to hurt anymore it probably won't happen because I know things don't work that way as much as we wish they would.

It's not getting easier. Weekends are the worse. (or they have been so far.) During the week I'm busy. Going to classes, work, and going for food with my friends. And doing homework. So far every Friday my friends have been going home, leaving me with no one to hang out with. And leaving me with myself for three whole days. As of late I have been more sad on the days I am alone. It's hard. I know it is. It's a everyday battle that I have to fight in order to get over him.

I just wish it wasn't. It would be so much easier if I could just snap my fingers and say "Heart be over him" but I know it will never work that way, and if it did we as people would never learn anything. I can't just expect things to be easy and then wonder why I'm still hurting and still missing him. As much as I wish I could.

College is becoming easier and I'm not as stressed as I was before. I know where the buildings I need are and that is good enough for me. At times being here at Eastern still doesn't feel real. It feels like at any moment I'm going to wake up and realize that all this stuff I've been doing is all just a dream and that it's really still summer or that I'm still in high school. Living here on campus just doesn't seem real. I always knew I would live on campus. Okay at one point Holly and I talked about getting an apartment together, obviously we've learned that would never work unless we wanted to kill each other. Either way I planned on not being at home after the summer of my senior year. Now that I'm here it's weird. Even though I've always planned to not to be at home when I started college it always felt like I would be there for all my life and that nothing in my life would ever change. Weird right?

I'm getting sick and I absolutely hate it. Ugh.

For my English class I have to observe a community so I picked CAP. I started it last night and have to do it for the next four weeks. Should be interesting. It's kind of funny that I'm doing it this month, seeing how my membership finally just expired and officially I am no longer a member of CAP even though I haven't been to a meeting as member since January.

This weekend Ed isn't going home. And hopefully neither is Holly. So we plan on having a Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon and watch the show from Friday after 5 until Sunday. Should be fun. I'm curious as to how many seasons we can get through

Well that's it for now.

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

Currently
Kerosene
By Miranda Lambert
More like her
see related
You can keep pretending to be happy with her, but I know the truth.

Happy people don't cheat on someone 11 times out of the 12 months you've been dating them. Damn, that's almost once per month.

I am constantly going from happy to sad and I hate it.

I can't move on. I don't know how. I don't even know where to begin.

I wish it could be like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Then they could just erase him and everything to with him and I could go on with my life and be fine.
I want that to happen.

Sunday, 20 September 2009

I can't believe that a year ago I actually thought I was happy with him....
Why couldn't I see that I was forcing feelings on to someone else so that maybe I could stop feeling something for Matt?

sigh.

If only I had waited....maybe instead of being how I am I would have the guy I want.

Now I have no guy, and I'm more lonely and sad than ever.

Especially since I know they're still together and happy, and all that stupid bullshit.

I'm glad I'm going back to Eastern today....being there makes me forget a little bit.